Dear Family,
Last week, with our son, Dan, and his family, we visited our daughter-in-law’s paternal grandmother, a 91 year-old widow living with her oldest son and his family in their ancestral home in Omuta, about 40 km south of Fukuoka. Though diminutive in stature, thin in build, and wrinkled and worn in appearance, grandma is not stooped with age as many older Japanese women are, and we found in her a spry and active woman with, what appeared to be, through translation, a lively and engaging personality. She exuded all of the wonderful Japanese traits of courtesy and generosity we have come to expect and to respect, but in addition she demonstrated her feelings in a way that to us was astounding.
Upon our arrival grandma hurried forth from her front door to greet us with many a bow and gesture of welcome, and then suddenly but smoothly she bent low to the ground, fell upon her knees before us and came forward with her forehead touching the ground. It lasted but a moment, and was surely an extreme gesture of respect, an expression of deep feeling and profound honor, spontaneous and unrehearsed, but so unexpected and astonishing as to stun us into spellbound attention and silent awe. Though deeply moved by the experience, our inward reaction to this totally unexpected greeting was to protest, “No, no, no. We are not deserving of such treatment. Please, rise from your knees. We have no idea how to react in - anything approaching - kind.” When someone offers you a gift which seems wildly out of proportion to the event or to your relationship, what do you do? Perhaps we greatly misjudged the gravity of the encounter, or the significance of the relationship. Not wanting to disparage or offend in any way, we bowed in return (though a feeble attempt, I must say) and expressed our respect for the people of Japan and for her and our love for her granddaughter, Kaoru, and her family. We tried to impress upon her how much it meant to us to meet her and her family, especially in the setting of their ancestral home.
A table of treats and juices was spread before us and we exchanged pleasantries and gifts. We met a grandson, a delightful 16-year old with his hair all askew in the fashion of such young men in Japan. Our son, Dan, has been very active in assembling the genealogy of Kaoru’s ancestral line, and while there, he brought out for inspection and discussion the documents displaying the family tree information. Grandma was excited and animated as she worked with Dan over the document, making a correction here, an addition there – filling in some blanks while providing her special insights and perspective.
We felt privileged to visit and to become acquainted with this noble lady and her family, to glimpse what life might have been like for them in years past, to explore in this small way the family legacy and heritage of our daughter-in-law, and to gain some additional insights into Japanese life and culture. As we departed, loaded with gifts of produce from their garden, again grandma profusely thanked us, bowing repeatedly until she was again momentarily on her knees with her forehead touching the floor. Bouncing right back up, she and her family accompanied us into the street and thanked us and waved to us, in true Japanese fashion, until we disappeared from view, still waving in return . Sayonara!
As we think back on the events just described, we see more clearly what a choice and memorable experience this visit with Grandma was. We also learned how our son, Dan has been unreservedly accepted by his wife’s extended family, no small achievement for a Buddhist family living in this almost-seamless homogeneous society and steeped in Japanese culture. And we feel admonished as to the value of the legacy transmitted by forbears, and we now have an enhanced sense of gratitude for and appreciation of ancestral ties and relationships. It is yet another good thing that the Japanese can teach us.
We remain ,“ …desolate yet all undaunted, in this desert land enchanted, in this home by horror haunted…” your faithful far-eastern correspondents, Mom and Dad
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